the Kanji Kid

A collection of my translations~ and other things.

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A somewhat humorous (in my eyes) account of my overthinking. He said no!

hello.. would you be
interested in talking to me again at all.

hello
would you be interested in talking to me again

hello. i'll be brief "you can probably guess what my
intentions would be in texting you, but..."

hello. I hope this email finds you well.
would you be interested in dating again.
kind regards,
Imogen
Sent from my iPhone

hi. would you be interested in dating again.
I feel like I'll regret it if I don't at least ask.
I thought we had a lot in common and got on well.

Would you be interested in going out with me again
Would you consider going out with me again

Do I text him or not? Obviously not! Then why am I still thinking about it... well,
duh. But also I don't really feel like I like him anymore or at least it's changed, or,
even if I do like him it's all so tinged with sadness that it's not positive enough of
an emotion to constitute a crush. Not that it matters if I like him or not. If I don't
then great it will be easier to get over/I am already over it. If I like him then...
well wait, maybe it is an issue after all. The only scenario where it matters is if I
text him and get rejected and like him. Three factors but also the most likely outcome.

What's the issue that's actually worrying me? It's like reading Kant or something
there's like a fog where I can't see the system. One second I'm going to draw a
diagram in a different book.

I justify hatred for B by saying 4 will happen and will keep happening until I die.
More likely is I don't want 3 because it's sad.
However 4 is also a perfectly likely possibility.
If I do B it is not as if I will start wanting to do 3.
Knowing me 3 will not happen for a very long time.
So let's assume B will necessarily result in 4.
The likelihood of 1 happening is zero. Let's assume 2 will happen.
The options are the same as no text at all. Is there no difference in the outcome?
For 3, it is possible that a harsh rejection will help me move on. It is also possible
it will make me kill myself.
I think I am going to draw a second diagram.

PROS:
I won't have to think about texting him anymore.
There is a non-zero possibility of him saying yes (no there isn't)
I can conquer my fear of doing stupid and embarassing things.
He might give me a better explanation (comes under "moving on"?)
Satisfy this stupid urge I've given myself.
Life lesson (about what, I don't know yet)

CONS:
Possibility of him saying yes will cease to exist and I'll be forced to confront
myself. Only this sounds like it belongs in the pros list.
If there was ever a chance we would reconnect, I'll have sacrificed my dignity and
it will be dashed like Odysseus' comrades heads against that cave wall.
I have to get embarassed and feel anxious in the leadup and during the exchange
(if there is an exchange)

Mostly depends on outlook? Cons can be taken as pros.
Pros can't be taken as cons.

Other possibility

My main/original motivation to text him was "this can't go on".
Obviously I'm unable to move on through sheer will. I don't have any will. So a text
would force me to, ideally. Whether he rejects me or (x)accepts me, this won't go on.
Maybe it will be worse or maybe it will be better (helps me move on or hurts and helps
me move on or hurts and doesn't help). I can't know the possibilities of these so can I
just say the probability of it making me move on is 2/3?

Or if I assume that my state will by default be "not moved on" then literally any
possibility at all of being forced to move on is greater than not moving on. In which case
I should text him.

Diagrams were meant to eliminate bias and confusion but due to confusion I'm having
trouble identifying bias.

So I'm probably missing bits of diagram.

If he had any intention of dating me he could have texted me. But intention to date me
alone would not necessarily result in a text. So the only conclusion I can draw is that
there are no conclusions to be drawn about his intentions or desires from his not texting
me for a long time.

(You troglodyte. What do you think a breakup /is/, a standard greeting? Hallmark Christmas
card? Devoid of feeling? Huh? Discuss later...)

But also I've been told that conclusions /should/ be drawn.
And they should...
I'm under the (unfounded?) impression that XXXX is a nice person as a result of my bias.
This makes me think that:

X Breakup text was intended to be "polite" and is therefore a disguised way of saying
he finds me unattractive. It's not you, it's me!!!!

Therefore: breakup text is a lie.

X He wouldn't text me even if he did like me or if he were feeling up to a relationship
Because of percieved (and real) wrong act committed against me

It also means that:

X If I text him now his rejection will likely be polite and not the Positively 4th Street
type confirmation of my lowly position that I'm looking for.
Is that what I'm looking for?

This problem cannot be solved by thinking. All the signs point to "he doesn't like me, I don't
have a shot" (there's nothing 'pointing'. That just is the case) but I find myself unable to
accept that. Obviously because I want the guy I like to like me. So I can't avoid not accepting
that he hates me--

does this mean that proof of the fact would shatter my world view and fuck up my life?
Or does it mean that I'd finally have to face reality?

Or are both of these options the same thing? Whether it fucks up my life is (somewhat) under my
control. So either way the result is that I face reality which is a good thing. I don't want to
but it's a good thing.

Even in this dumb pointless situation my brain subjects me to intermittent bits of fantasy.

"Even if he blocks me I can text him Bob Dylan lyrics without feeling annoying which will be a
way of interacting with him and one day maybe he'll unblock me and receive them all and love me.
Or maybe he'll only pretend to block me in the first place so he gets all my messages without me
realising and loves me."

THIS IS INSANITY!

This idea will be stamped out when he rejects me, or if I get no response and have no way of telling
if he's blocked me because I don't understand how phones work. Even if the text doesn't send I can't
be sure that it wasn't just my internet and not him blocking me. So even if I feel like I've been
blocked I can't message him. If he tells me outright that he's blocked me there still exists the
possibility that it's a lie.

So I can't spam him if he doesn't respond? Yeah, good thing I figured that one out... close call!

Worst case scenario is he did block me and I can't tell so I send my text and never know if he's
seen it, the obvious conclusion would be that he's ignored me or would it? Which is more likely?

What am I trying to get out of this?

A Boyfriend but that's not happening.
Probably subconsciously my main motivation.

B Forced to move on and face reality.

C Even if I don't move on I will know for sure what he's thinking and I might contemplate a little
less. Or I will be forced to contemplate only insane situations that have no foundation in reality
and so pass from the status of 'painful yearnings' to 'daydreams', which I have anyway and they
don't seem to impact my daily life all that much.

"Life lessons"
I put this under the pros of texting. What would it teach me though?

Not to text your ex?

Is that valuable enough of a life lesson that it's worth making this heinous mistake, just to learn
that? I don't seem to be able to learn it from everyone (except my Mum) telling me not to text him.
Should I forcefully inculcate myself by means of a traumatic experience for the sake of 'growing up'?
That sounds good actually.

Only you'd think I'd have learnt not to send things I'm unsure of because I sent that crap to XXX.
Or is this a different situation. Did the email to XXX turn out well in the end? I don't know.

Reaction unimportant
Regardless of XXXX's reaction most of the pros still stand, unless I've been blocked and he never
sees it or if he ignores it. Even then there's still the outcome that I realise "sending a text is
meaningless" even if there's no guarantee he hates me because I can't say he's ignoring it on
purpose. Except I should probably (definitely!?!) interpret a blocking as hatred so the result is
the same.

I seem to be assuming his feelings have changed after a while. My feelings would not do so ever so I
don't know why I've assumed this (fantasy). Maybe because I don't know what his real feelings were in
the first place I can't tell if them changing would be a good or bad thing.

Wasn't I trying to show how his reaction doesn't matter?

If I don't text him I will spend another year or so moving on like a snail or not at all.
And I can't take it anymore.

I decided to text him out of desire to have things change. (Or to properly realise that they can't ever
change) but my stupid monkey brain thinks that change necessarily equals dating him and I find myself
unable to convince it otherwise...

If it changes for the worse, do I still want it?

I should be operating under the stoic principle that if I want change, the only aspect of life I have
actionable control over is my own soul. So... that doesn't change anything though. Does it?

"If you want to be happy, do it internally not externally."

Which is fair enough, only it means nothing external is of any consequence to my happiness so whether I
text him or not doesn't matter. In which case I may as well text him because only in that action does
there lie the possibility of simultaneous internal and external happiness, or am I supposed to abandon
(not just be indifferent to! but actively avoid) external "happinesses"? As some kind of test of my
fortitude? I'm a monkey! I don't want to!

So it's two options?

Keep on thinking about it and move on slowly.

Text him and move on slowly or quickly.

As it is I can only move on slowly. I should pick the option that might let me move on quickly. But do
I want to move on quickly if it makes me all jaded and hurt? Yes, probably. I'm jaded and hurt anyway.

I have to do it to end my obsession.
I should just stop being obsessed of my own accord but I lack the ability to do that. I am aware of
ways to stop liking him yet choose not to use them. More forceful methods are necessary...
My own willpower is not to be relied on
When it comes to men...

It's frustrating to think I'm only doing because of my monkey brain but even if I am it might still be
worth doing. And this is probably the last time it will make sense to do it.

I'm leaving the country.

I don't want to be irrational.